I didn’t meet the love of my life by chance. Three summers ago, after the breakup of a medium-serious relationship, I logged onto Hinge for the very first time. This was a big move for me, as I’d never been an app-dater before and had once prided myself on meeting all of my partners casually, through mutual friends and chance encounters. But my methodology didn’t match my desires. I wanted an amazing, loving, intelligent boyfriend who wanted to share a life together and wasn’t afraid to look towards the future. I had to face the music and really go after what I wanted, so in June, I crafted a charming and honest profile, and I was in love by September.
“I didn’t meet the love of my life by chance.”
You may be thinking that I just got incredibly lucky. I’ll start off by saying that my partner is wonderful, and I feel so lucky every day that he is in my life and treats me so well. But I did not find my way to him by getting lucky. I did it by making intentional choices throughout my search, listening to myself, and being unafraid to go after exactly what I wanted. And the good news is that anybody can do what I did, online or off.
Dating can — and should — be a fun, pleasurable experience. But it’s important to balance the laid-back fun of exploring courtships with the mindfulness of doing what’s best for you, your heart, and your future. You don’t have to make each date a job interview for the role of husband in order to bring some intention into your dating life this summer. There are so many ways to bring a bit more intention into your dating life at every step of the process. And by listening to yourself, communicating well, knowing when to say no, and when to say yes, you can get what you want out of dating, whatever that is.
“It’s important to balance the laid-back fun of exploring courtships with the mindfulness of doing what’s best for you, your heart, and your future.”
Here are a few of the most important takeaways from my experience — and I hope they’re helpful for you as you’re reorienting your dating life:
1. Set an honest intention with yourself
Sometimes, the hardest part of bringing intention into your dating life is figuring out what exactly that intention is. We hear a lot nowadays about how we should just see what comes our way and go with the flow, but too much of that can make you feel disconnected from yourself. Maybe what you want is a long-term spouse with whom you can start having babies ASAP — if that’s what you really want, be honest with yourself! Maybe what you want is a partner who can fit into the life you’ve already built — kids, busy schedule, career, the whole nine yards — and take it all in stride.
“Sometimes, the hardest part of bringing intention into your dating life is figuring out what exactly that intention is.”
Whatever it is you want, trying to convince yourself that you can be happy with less before you’ve even tried looking is a recipe for feeling unfulfilled. Let yourself want freely so you know what to look for. Allow yourself to dream, consider, fantasize, and converse with yourself about your needs and your desires!
2. Go for what you actually want
When I had my realization three summers ago that I wanted to approach dating differently so I could find an amazing partner to start a life with, it all began with the way I searched for potential partners. I signed up for Hinge, yes, but that wasn’t the end-all-be-all. I’m not sure I’d recommend having a rigid laundry list of criteria — but having a few specs that you know in your heart you can’t live without is a good first step.
“If I encountered someone on the app who checked every box but was searching for ‘something casual,’ I swiped left and didn’t look back.”
I set a realistic age range and made sure I was swiping right on men I could actually see myself having the type of relationship I wanted with. My biggest non-negotiables for my dream boyfriend that I could discern through Hinge were that he had to be creative, educated, and looking for a serious relationship. I was also hoping to find someone Jewish, and who didn’t want to move out of New York City anytime soon. This means that if I encountered someone on the app who checked every box but was searching for “something casual,” I swiped left and didn’t look back.
I didn’t want to waste my time, or worse, realize that I had incredible chemistry with someone who wouldn’t actually fit into my life for the purposes of a relationship. I needed to go for what I really wanted in order to find something real and move forward in my search. (Of course, the same goes for if you’re looking for something casual. Don’t choose the person who’s looking for their soulmate asap!)
3. Prioritize fulfillment over having fun
One of the most pervasive messages that I had to let go of was that dating is about the journey, not the destination, and therefore it should be a priority to have fun along the way.
“One of the most pervasive messages that I had to let go of was that dating is about the journey, not the destination.”
While I don’t think you should have a miserable time or be unhappy, I do think that there are more important things to focus on than simply making sure you have a good time on each date. For me, I knew the process of dating around would last a few months or maybe a few years, but a marriage can last a lifetime. This meant that I had to go on a lot of first dates, filter people out quickly, and ask some important questions a little earlier on in order to prioritize connections with those who had long-term potential in my life. So, yes, while it might not be the most fun in the moment to ask about kids on the second date, it was important for me, and it saved me a lot of time.
In the end, it was about the destination, and it was well worth it. By keeping my goals and intentions in mind throughout my search, the process moved quicker and with more direction, and I’m so happy I made that choice.
4. Say no fast
As a bit of a complement to the previous point, you do want to make sure that you like the person in front of you, and that you two can have fun together! It can sometimes be tough to cut things off quickly, but it’s important to move on when you realize something isn’t working. If you get in front of someone who checks all of your boxes, but they throw up a ton of red flags or they’re unpleasant to be around, it’s important to have the strength to say no and move on to the next. Same goes for someone who brings on the vibes, but doesn’t meet some of your major non-negotiables for partnership.
“It can sometimes be tough to cut things off quickly, but it’s important to move on when you realize something isn’t working.”
If you find yourself thinking, “Oh no, this is going to be a problem,” you may want to consider hitting next, even if the person in front of you is cute.
5. Try new avenues
This was one of the biggest transformations for me. I’d been committed to meeting people naturally in person for years, and it just wasn’t getting me the results I wanted. I was meeting people with whom I had major differences and goals, then getting into relationships with them, and being disappointed when things turned out badly. So, I needed to find a way to date with more specificity.
You might be dealing with something similar, or the complete opposite. Maybe you’ve been on the apps for a while and they’re feeling a bit stale. Whatever your situation is, switching up your method or adding something new can bring a bit more life to your dating universe.
“Switching up your method or adding something new can bring a bit more life to your dating universe.”
There are so many innovations that are being made in modern dating. And switching it up can be as small as switching to a new app, or as substantial as going to speed dating events, singles mixers, or flirting parties (an incredible concept that’s making a comeback) in order to meet people in new ways. You can ask friends to set you up on blind dates, or even try out a matchmaker!
A change in (digital or literal) scenery can also be a great way to feel refreshed for the summer and put a bit of pep in your step for dating. Seeing things with a fresh set of eyes can make a huge difference, not to mention the benefit of getting a few new sets of eyes on you!
Dating isn’t always easy, and it’s okay to want a bit of direction as you look for whatever your heart desires. No matter where you are in your life or your love life, finding what you want is totally possible. And you don’t have to sit back and wait for it to find you! You have the power to connect with your desires and bring your intentions to the forefront of your dating life. There are so many fish in the sea — so get ready to go swimming this summer!
Jamie Kahn is a writer and yoga teacher based in New York. Her work has been featured in Glamour, Brooklyn Magazine, Epiphany, The Evergreen Review, and others.
